John Quinn sleeping.

The Roberts family memorializes their son.

There are multiple articles within this post:

Let Us Bury the Stages of Grief – for Good!
By Ursula Weide, PhD, JD, LPC, CT
http://www.coping-with-loss-and-grief.com/vatech.html

On April 17, 2007, one day after the Virginia Tech massacre of 32 students by another student, the Washington Post published an article entitled “Survivors of Shootings Grieve in Stages.” The author quotes an “educator” who counseled Columbine survivor families as describing specific, time-limited stages to occur in a particular order. The educator explained that in the first stage “the body shuts down in shock for seven days. It is a piercing grief; you stumble through what has to be done.” The second stage, beginning at about six months, “is defined by intense sorrow. You go back to doing normal things but everything is colored steel-grey.” One of my bereavement support group members pointed out that, apparently, the survivors cease to exist from day eight until the beginning of the second stage. And since she herself was just a few days beyond the six-month anniversary of the sudden death of her young husband and clearly able to perceive my fuchsia outfit while not seeing “steel-grey”, the group – facetiously – concluded that she must “not be grieving right.” According to the educator, the third stage, “about a year after the event, is sadness tempered with joy at getting on with your own life.” None of us, past our first-year anniversary, recalled having jumped with “joy.” But there is hope: “You know that you’re there when it does not feel bad to feel good.” We are still waiting! Needless to say, the above meaningless language is easily picked up by a society which itself wants to “be done” with death and trauma and thus is reassured that there is an orderly course of grief and that, yes, you will actually “get over it.” But does this reassurance help the survivors?

The so-called “stages of grief” theory originated in the1980s when Elizabeth Kubler-Ross had the temerity to put the subject of death, considered rather taboo until then, on the national agenda. While she deserves much credit, it is common knowledge by now among mental health experts that there is no particular sequence of “stages” as Kubler-Ross had initially postulated. Neither does a survivor experience all or necessarily even any one of them. Kubler-Ross provided us with some early concepts of “grief responses” such as denial and acceptance which were helpful for further research but are not necessarily useful descriptions of a person’s emotional responses. Neither are they necessarily concepts upon which grief therapy should be based.

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“Waiting with Gabriel: A Story of Cherishing a Baby’s Brief Life” by Amy Kuebelbeck

“Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby” by Deborah L. Davis

“Finding Hope When a Child Dies” by Sukie Miller

“Empty Arms: Coping After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death” by Sherokee Isle

“Precious Lives, Painful Choices: A Prenatal Decision-making Guide” by Sherokee Isle

“Life Touches Life: A Mother’s Story of Stillbirth and Healing” by Lorraine Ash

“The Gift of Time: Continuing Your Pregnancy with a Terminal Prenatal Diagnosis” by Amy Kuebelbeck and Deborah L. Davis (to be published in 2010)

“The Journey is More Than the Destination” by Cathy and Frank James

“I’m absolutely convinced that men and women, fathers and mothers physiologically grieve differently. What we discovered was those things that worked for one, didn’t always work for the other,” says Frank James, co-author of The Journey Is More Than the Destination. Many grieving fathers will not seek outside help. They ignore books that give advice on coping with death, while women are more apt to read and reread many books on coping. Everyone is different. Men and women find different methods of coping with the unbearable loss of a child. Use whatever steps work for you. There are no formal rules or stages to go through. Women usually take advantage of help organizations, welcoming the support and comfort of others experiencing the same type of loss. Men tend to go it alone. As long as their grief does not lead to: self-abuse, abuse of loved ones, or taking advantage of the situation for detrimental ends, then there is nothing they can do wrong during the grieving journey. There is no right or wrong. There is no timeline or guide to follow. Grieving parents need to find what works for them, giving themselves time to cope with their devastating loss.

To hear an interview with the authors go to www.insidesuccessradio.com/Guests/Cathy-James.

Bereaved Parents of the USA
www.bereavedparentsusa.org

Bereaved Parents of the USA (BP/USA) is a national non-profit self-help group that offers support, understanding, compassion and hope especially to the newly bereaved be they bereaved parents grandparents nor siblings struggling to rebuild their lives after the death of their children, grandchildren or siblings.

Compassionate Friends
www.compassionatefriends.org

“The Compassionate Friends is about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again.”

—Simon Stephens, founder of The Compassionate Friends

Dougy Center
www.dougy.org

The Dougy Center provides a safe place for children, teens, young adults and their families who are grieving a death to share their experiences. We do this through peer support groups, education, and training.

GriefNet
www.griefnet.org

GriefNet.org is an Internet community of persons
dealing with grief, death, and major loss.

M.I.S.S. Foundation
www.missfoundation.org

The MISS Foundation is a 501 (c) 3, volunteer based organization committed to providing crisis support and long term aid to families after the death of a child from any cause. MISS also participates in legislative and advocacy issues, community engagement and volunteerism, and culturally competent, multidisciplinary, education opportunities.

The COPE Foundation
www.copefoundation.org

A grief and healing organization
dedicated to helping parents and families
living with the loss of a child.