The end of the school year is approaching and I don’t know who is more excited about the two week break between school and summer camp, my son or I.  We have not had a break from homework since August 2008.  A key component to overcoming his learning challenges is not only to learn specific strategies for reading, writing and math but repetition, repetition, and more repetition.

He has made tremendous progress this year!  I am so proud of him and his incredible hard work.  We do about 1.5 hours of homework 5 nights a week.  For second grade, this is a lot of work.  If anything, our son is going to have an incredible work ethic.  The words he can now read include anticipation, commissioned, audience and Constantinople!!  Wow – he has done so well.

Recently, the summer reading list came out in our school’s weekly newsletter.  I contacted our son’s teacher in order to get guidance on his independent reading level for the summer.  Well let’s just say it is not where I expected it to be.  Hence “the punch in the gut” in the title of this blog post.  I felt so deflated.  I just wanted to sit down and have a really good cry.

I reached out to his teacher and asked about his independent reading level and now I understand.  Learning challenges like everything else in life is about layers.  This year was a year of building the foundation.  He has strategies for decoding words he doesn’t know.  He has strategies for comprehending the material he is reading.  He has strategies for writing and answering questions.  He has strategies for paying attention and remaining engaged in the classroom.  All of this HAS resulted in tremendous progress.

The next layer that has to be attacked, however, is comprehension.  He is working so hard to decode and read and do, that his brain processing does not really have the room for full comprehension.  As we practice his strategies more, then the strategies themselves will become second nature so that he can grow into comprehending the material he is working with.

So once again I have to remind myself that “my framework” is not what is relevant.  Learning challenges, like everything else in life, is a journey that has to be broken down into manageable pieces.

He is working hard, he is making progress and he likes school.  It is all good.  So I was able to give myself a swift kick in the a—and remind myself of how proud I am of him.  I also decided that I am going to get ice cream for every night of those two weeks where we have a break!!

So until next time …. Take care.

I certainly hope that my posts help each of you with ideas and suggestions for approaching your day to day life.  I know that often just the process of writing the blog post helps me to think through the day to day situations that we face as a family. 

In a previous post I wrote about ADHD and anger.  I explored how anger management is a challenge for those with ADHD because, like behavior regulation challenges – a hallmark of ADHD, anger management is a regulation of the emotions.  Because of the impaired nature of the Executive Functioning in those with ADHD, emotions are often more intense and more challenging to regulate.  As a result, I look at how our son handles frustration and anger as not a discipline issue but an opportunity to teach him how to handle frustration and anger constructively.

Hand in hand with the anger and frustration is often hitting.  To tell the truth, I have had concerns about our son’s hitting and have tried to teach him to use his words instead of his hands/body in expressing his anger and frustration.  His hitting kind of remained a fuzzy situation that has bothered me in the back of my head but it is not something I had really spent a great deal of time focusing on.  As I prepared to write this post, I thought through the reason for that.

First of all, we do not have any troubles with him hitting other kids. Well, except for his sister, which I really attribute to the typical sibling interaction.  I fondly remember my brother and I beating the c—p out of each other through high school!!  Secondly, we have no discipline challenges with him at school whatsoever.  So what I realize bothers me is that he does lash out at his father and myself from time to time.

So I have done some research on the topic and have discovered that aggressive behavior is common in young children.  Until a child reaches something like the age of six or so, he is not developmentally mature enough to curb his or her impulse to hit.  Our son is older than six but his ability to handle frustration maturely is still in development and the fact that he largely directs it at his father and I is okay for me for now. 

Why do I think it is okay, for now?  I think that developmentally he is not able to fully control his emotions yet. In addition, we are a safe place for him to direct his anger and frustration – he is working so hard that I think he needs a safe place to express his frustrations.  Finally, he often is least able to handle his frustration or anger when he is tired or when he has spent too much time in front of the tv or video games.   It is up to my husband and I to make sure that he is getting enough sleep and exercise and that we help guide him when he is in overtired situations.  I often verbalize that you are angry and frustrated because you are tired and dad and I need to make sure that you get enough sleep tonight.

What have we done to help him address those situations when he wants to hit?

•  Figure out another outlet for his anger.  We have chosen an “anger” pillow that he can take out his frustrations on.

•  Teaching him words to associate with a situation.  We literally practice the phrases, “you are making me angry”, “I am really frustrated right now” or “I need the anger pillow.”  I am also careful to make sure that I use the phrases myself – “I am really frustrated because I can follow your crumb trail from the kitchen to the living room.

• Recognizing his feelings and verbalizing them.  “I know that you are upset because I am not allowing you to play your DS.  In order for you to be healthy, you need to play and get fresh air. 

• Reinforce verbally that hitting is wrong.  It is as simple as saying over and over again, “you are not allowed to hit.”  I also have our son look at the person that was hit and apologize sincerely. 

• Reinforce when you see frustration and anger handled appropriately.  “I am so proud of you for using the anger pillow instead of hitting me.”  I have, with fits and starts in the past, tried to do reward charts but I have found that our son reacts most positively when rewarded immediately.  So I often praise immediately, offer a treat or say let’s do this together as a reward for your great behavior.

So after writing this blog post, I have found that I am less concerned about his hitting than I used to be at the back of my mind and I have resolved with renewed vigor to keep doing the steps outlined above.

Let me know your thoughts and what works for you.

Until next time …… take care.

Hi everyone! I know it has been a while since my last post. Life got to be too much and I had to step back from some things for a while.

Do you know how sometimes you know things but you don’t really realize things? Well I had one of those realization moments recently.

I feel like I have a fair amount of connectivity with other mothers. A lot of it is either online or connecting with those that I know in person through emails, texts and so forth. Being a working mother and a working mother of a child with special needs, I don’t really have a lot of time, often, for personal phone calls, lunches or even coffee get togethers.

I do consider myself lucky, however. I have family and friends who provide me with emotional support and listen. Although they listen, they don’t always understand or get what our family’s situation is all about.

I recently volunteered at my son’s school for a teacher appreciation luncheon. It is a great school that focuses on the types of learning challenges that our son has. I wanted to be there to get to know some of the teachers and administration better. The biggest benefit of me being at the luncheon, however, was the other moms there and their support of us and our particular challenges of our first year at this school. It made me feel so much better. They understand specifically the challenges that we are facing this year with the workload and the emotional stress. They have been through it and empathize. They validated the stress that I feel most nights.

It made me realize that having real life connections with individuals who have total knowledge and understanding of our challenges is important too and very powerful.

I am going to be a volunteer in my son’s library once a month for the remainder of the school year. I volunteered because my son really wanted me there. I am going to be the biggest beneficiary, however, because I will have personal time with other mothers who totally and unequivocally understand and empathize.

I call this localized support (I am a geek at heart) and I have come to realize that everyone should try to have a piece of this type of support within their support network.

Online, offline, localized … what do you think? What has been the most powerful type of support for you?

Until next time …. Take care

One of the areas where I constantly struggle is helping our son find his areas of talents or what I like to call, his essence. Our children are like my husband and I. We are good at a lot of things but not outstanding at any one thing. We are good athletics, we enjoy music, we like books and politics, we enjoy giving back to the community and so forth. We are not the next Rembrandt, Tchaikovsky, Michael Jordan or Mother Teresa. Nothing is glaringly obvious.

Couple this with the fact that most of the time and effort with our son is currently focused on academics. He is absolutely exhausted when he comes home from school. He works hard, thank goodness, and cooperates with his teachers and, new this year, he actually LIKES school. I have so much to be thankful about. But some days when he gets home from school, he looks like he has been through a war.

We value play time and are mindful of balancing work with play time. But we have over an hour of homework each night and it is very difficult to fit everything in. He does play sports on Saturdays and seems to enjoy it but it is not clear to us that sports is his THING either.

Why do I worry about this so much? Our primary goal with our son with everything we are doing is to develop is self confidence and his self esteem. That is starting to develop academically because we are able to send him to a school when he can learn differently than the mainstream and be successful. I want him so much to experience success in something outside of school that he truly loves.

Getting him to try new things is not easy. He gets anxious and worried about new activities. Often when we start up a new sports season, he has trouble with the first few weeks of the activity – it is a transitioning issue.

Maybe this worry is more about me than him? I just want so badly for something to come easily to him that he truly truly loves … given that he has to work so hard in the other areas of his life.

So this blog post is not a Karen offering a suggestion blog post – it is one where I am reaching out to you for help. Do you have any suggestions or thoughts?

• How do we fit in the time for him to explore his interests?
• When is the right time to pursue drum lessons or karate or whatever else?
• Is maintaining a balance between play time and work time enough for laying the groundwork for future interests?
• Do I need to just chill out and believe that with self-confidence and academic “success”, he will figure it all out?

Would love to hear from you regarding how you enable the “essence” of your child to shine through all of the struggles!!!