After someone has lost a loved one, it helps to provide comfort to them and avoid trying to make the grief go away. Help friends through the grieving process with tips from a licensed marriage and family therapist in this free video on individual therapy.
Patti German, M.Ed., LMFT is a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. Her experience includes a Master’s of Education at Temple University in educational psychology, a certification in marriage and family therapy (MFT), and work with the Penn Council for Relationships. In 1999, she worked in psychodynamic couple’s therapy at the Training Institute for Mental Health in New York, and in 2000 received a license in marriage and family therapy.
This video interview answers the following questions:
1. What is ‘grief’ or ‘bereavement’?
2. What is the difference between ‘grief’ and ‘mourning’?
3. Does everyone grieve in the same way?
4. Why is grieving so painful?
5. Is it normal to feel like I am losing my mind while grieving?
6. How long will it take to stop grieving and feel normal?
7. Should I call on the support of others or handle my grief alone?
8. Is it better to take time off or work through my grief?
9. Is there a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way of coping with grief?
10. What do ‘intensity’ and ‘duration’ have to do with grief?
11. How do I know if I need professional help for grieving?
12. Where can I get professional help for grieving?
13. What is ‘bereavement counseling’?
14. How do I know if bereavement counseling is right for me?
15. Can I see an individual counselor for bereavement?
16. What is the difference between ‘private’ and ‘group’ bereavement counseling?
17. Where can I find group bereavement counseling?
The interview is with David Kessler, Director of Palliative Care, Citrus Valley Health Partners and Hospice.
David Kessler is an accomplished journalist, international lecturer and author who has dedicated his life to helping people understand the complex emotions attached to death, dying, grief and loss. His work has been discussed in the Los Angeles Times, New York Times, Business Week and Life Magazine and has been featured on CNN, NBC, MSNBC, PBS. He has written for the “Boston Globe,” “ LA Times” and “The San Francisco Chronicle.”
No parent should ever have to lose a child. My heart goes out to all those who have lost someone they love and care about. My son, Steve, died at his mothers house on August 24, 2001 in Cleveland, Missouri between 9:30 and 10:00 p.m. The grief that I feel has been almost unbearable at times. Even now seven years later. Help is available for suicide prevention and emotional crisis by phone toll-free, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week PLEASE CALL… 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a video made by the organization “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” for my friends baby that only lived for 3 hours. She only found out two days before his birth the he was not going to live.
On April 17, 2007, one day after the Virginia Tech massacre of 32 students by another student, the Washington Post published an article entitled “Survivors of Shootings Grieve in Stages.” The author quotes an “educator” who counseled Columbine survivor families as describing specific, time-limited stages to occur in a particular order. The educator explained that in the first stage “the body shuts down in shock for seven days. It is a piercing grief; you stumble through what has to be done.” The second stage, beginning at about six months, “is defined by intense sorrow. You go back to doing normal things but everything is colored steel-grey.” One of my bereavement support group members pointed out that, apparently, the survivors cease to exist from day eight until the beginning of the second stage. And since she herself was just a few days beyond the six-month anniversary of the sudden death of her young husband and clearly able to perceive my fuchsia outfit while not seeing “steel-grey”, the group – facetiously – concluded that she must “not be grieving right.” According to the educator, the third stage, “about a year after the event, is sadness tempered with joy at getting on with your own life.” None of us, past our first-year anniversary, recalled having jumped with “joy.” But there is hope: “You know that you’re there when it does not feel bad to feel good.” We are still waiting! Needless to say, the above meaningless language is easily picked up by a society which itself wants to “be done” with death and trauma and thus is reassured that there is an orderly course of grief and that, yes, you will actually “get over it.” But does this reassurance help the survivors?
The so-called “stages of grief” theory originated in the1980s when Elizabeth Kubler-Ross had the temerity to put the subject of death, considered rather taboo until then, on the national agenda. While she deserves much credit, it is common knowledge by now among mental health experts that there is no particular sequence of “stages” as Kubler-Ross had initially postulated. Neither does a survivor experience all or necessarily even any one of them. Kubler-Ross provided us with some early concepts of “grief responses” such as denial and acceptance which were helpful for further research but are not necessarily useful descriptions of a person’s emotional responses. Neither are they necessarily concepts upon which grief therapy should be based.
“Waiting with Gabriel: A Story of Cherishing a Baby’s Brief Life” by Amy Kuebelbeck
“Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby” by Deborah L. Davis
“Finding Hope When a Child Dies” by Sukie Miller
“Empty Arms: Coping After Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death” by Sherokee Isle
“Precious Lives, Painful Choices: A Prenatal Decision-making Guide” by Sherokee Isle
“Life Touches Life: A Mother’s Story of Stillbirth and Healing” by Lorraine Ash
“The Gift of Time: Continuing Your Pregnancy with a Terminal Prenatal Diagnosis” by Amy Kuebelbeck and Deborah L. Davis (to be published in 2010)
“The Journey is More Than the Destination” by Cathy and Frank James
“I’m absolutely convinced that men and women, fathers and mothers physiologically grieve differently. What we discovered was those things that worked for one, didn’t always work for the other,” says Frank James, co-author of The Journey Is More Than the Destination. Many grieving fathers will not seek outside help. They ignore books that give advice on coping with death, while women are more apt to read and reread many books on coping. Everyone is different. Men and women find different methods of coping with the unbearable loss of a child. Use whatever steps work for you. There are no formal rules or stages to go through. Women usually take advantage of help organizations, welcoming the support and comfort of others experiencing the same type of loss. Men tend to go it alone. As long as their grief does not lead to: self-abuse, abuse of loved ones, or taking advantage of the situation for detrimental ends, then there is nothing they can do wrong during the grieving journey. There is no right or wrong. There is no timeline or guide to follow. Grieving parents need to find what works for them, giving themselves time to cope with their devastating loss.
To hear an interview with the authors go to www.insidesuccessradio.com/Guests/Cathy-James.
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