Terrilee Hodroj’s “Loving Grand” (Aging Parents, Personal Stories)
“Loving Grand” http://lovinggrand.blogspot.com/
A Granddaughter’s Alzheimer’s Caring Journal; My journey with Gram and how I contributed to her walk into the sunset, sometimes funny, sometimes we shed a tear or three, and always dear to our hearts and embedded into our soul. I love you Gram.
by Terrilee Hodroj
Terrilee combines personal stories with lists of resources to help others struggling with caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s. Terrilee’s blog is a amazing resource with touching stories. http://lovinggrand.blogspot.com/
Here is a sample blog entry. Go to Terrilee’s blog to read more.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Fear – Through A Mind’s Eye
I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear(s). I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has past I will turn to see its path. When the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only, I will remain. I shall conquer fear itself. Fear will no longer affect me and I will pass my beliefs to others.
No surrender!
Found this in Gram’s handwriting and no surprised I was stunned and was moody the rest of the day. She hasn’t written much for a long time besides a signature or quick note so this had to have been wrote say at least more than six years ago. Perhaps when she first started to notice her own memory issues or perhaps she copied it from somewhere. I really didn’t know, except that it was in her pen without any date or nothing else to go by. It was found among papers she deemed important and where keep sakes were safe.
Finally, I had to ask her about it. When I questioned her she stated she wrote it a few years back. She wasn’t open to much discussion about it so I let the subject drop and tried to pick up her mood. It’s fear that drives her today actually. Her recent abrupt episodes, the blaming of others, the scrambled thinking, etc., can be explained if one tries to see the connection. It’s easy to see looking back over these last few weeks that it’s fear that’s she’s acting out. Since the introduction of Aricept – the fog lifted from her mind as stated by her own accord. However, within the last two weeks, a small shift has been noticed by me. She’s convinced that she’s fine and I’m crazy – that the doctors are wrong, she needs a second opinion – that there’s nothing wrong with her but old age. Arguably she says, I’m still dressing appropriately, I still feed myself, I haven’t lost control of my bladder… It’s non-sense, all non-sense I’m sad to say. Just in these statements, she’s lost the bigger picture. She’s lost so much she can’t even hold a good argument to her point(s). There’s so much more to dementia than putting your clothes on right (she goes to express that she does not wear her underwear on the outside and that’s true, she doesn’t do that ~~ yet), or lifting the spoon to one’s mouth (what about simply remembering to eat) or your latest grandchild’s name or better still why you put the CD in the VHS player. Things like what we can’t remember from ten minutes ago, activities we can no longer do like balance a checkbook or follow a recipe, and how we think there’s no dementia just because one puts there own clothes on. It’s a ridiculous argument that can’t be won with her, so I’ll be the bad girl; the crazy one, the one that’s making her senior moments out to be more than need be. This disease will if her heart doesn’t change the outcome follows a path that is consistent, predictable, and inevitable. For now, I’ll take my punishment for being bad and tomorrow Gram I’ll love you when my pouting’s over and I’ll love you when Alzheimer’s prove you wrong.
Very touching poem isn’t it?
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