This blog post can be found at Can Mom Be Calm

http://canmombecalm.blogspot.com/2009/08/aba-vs-adhd.html

I remember the day I had a psychologist come to my house to evaluate Spencer. At the time, he was about 20 months old and wasn’t getting much out of speech therapy because he was too distracted to follow any directions. His speech therapist had an ABA therapist come to observe Spencer and the therapist said that ABA would benefit him.

Everyone thought he would have a hard time getting the ABA therapy because kids without an autism or PDD diagnosis do not usually get it here in New York. However, the psychologist that came to my house that day to test him, asked me a series of questions and within an hour she told me that Spencer had PDD-NOS, shut her laptop computer, and walked out of my apartment. I felt like I was hit by an truck. Doesn’t she know that you just can’t talk to people like that?

I went to the bathroom and wept.

And then I was angry – angry because he “got a diagnosis” and angry because that psychologist gave me the diagnosis like she was telling me I had a sinus infection. I hate when people are like that because I have to waste my time getting pissed off at them before I could refocus on the more important issue.

PDD-NOS? My Spencer? I couldn’t believe it but then I was re-educated by my social worker who told me that a diagnosis of PDD-NOS at Spencer’s age was very plausible. This is because a child with ADHD at age three can be diagnosed with PDD-NOS at that time since you can not diagnose a 3-year-old with ADHD.

This is why I always call Spencer and Logan the ADHD brothers because I have a feeling that Spencer will eventually end up with the same ADHD combined-type diagnosis as Logan. I suppose I can also easily call them the PDD brothers because at this point, I am certain that if Logan was evaluated at age 20 months then he would have gotten the same PDD diagnosis.

After swallowing the sadness, I talked to my good friend Sue, another special needs mom. She told me that despite whether or not the diagnosis was correct, I should be glad that Spencer got the diagnosis because it was going to be so much easier to get him ABA therapy from the city. I guess special needs moms always think in terms of what kind of battle they’ll have to have once they set their mind on something they need for their child.

I had great hopes for ABA therapy and I was right to dream big because soon after he started ABA therapy, Spencer’s vocabulary of five words seemed to jump to fifty within a blink of an eye. I know I’m exaggerating but really everyone was amazed at his progress.

TO READ THE REST OF THIS BLOG POST DESCRIBING ABA THERAPY, PLEASE GO TO http://canmombecalm.blogspot.com/2009/08/aba-vs-adhd.html

The blog post can be found at the Can Mom Be Calm blog

http://canmombecalm.blogspot.com/2009/09/good-friends-are-hard-to-find.html

This summer, I was on a mission. At least I started out that way and like some of my “missions,” it sort of fizzled into almost nothing but as the summer fades, my laziness goes with it and I’m reviving some of my goals.

One of them was to make friends for my kids. I really feel the need to make more socialization opportunities for Logan and Spencer. After all, that was one of the reasons I quit my job. When I was working, getting playdates for Logan was a lost cause. I think there were many reasons behind it. Some parents didn’t want nannies to have playdates. Some parents didn’t want other people’s children in their homes when they weren’t there. Moreover, no mom wanted to have a playdate with a nanny. The only time it was possible for me to have a playdate for Logan was during the weekend and of course, those were always spur-of-the-moment and skills could not be practiced on a consistent basis.

I quit my job when my kids entered the world of special needs services but unfortunately, it was still hard to get playdates for my kids. It was great to have special services for the kids but therapy takes time and keeps you locked up at home or a clinic. Moreover, Logan (and soon Spencer) goes to a special ed school and so he is not able to go to school with kids in the neighborhood. Furthermore, time spent on the bus, something neighborhood kids don’t do, means less time in the neighborhood playground where he could be making and keeping friendships.

TO READ THE REST OF THIS BLOG POST ON SOCIALIZATION, PLEASE GO TO http://canmombecalm.blogspot.com/2009/09/good-friends-are-hard-to-find.html

The post can be found at the Can Mom Be Calm Blog

http://canmombecalm.blogspot.com/2009/09/ignore-behavior-not-child.html

This is an excerpt of the post …

My ABA Lead therapist and pretty much everyone else told me that I need to firm up on Spencer and ignore his attention-seeking behavior. This includes when he climbs on me, pinches, scatters, and throws things. I know that they are right. I believe it in my heart but gosh…. for an anxious person like me… ignoring is really so hard to do. “Ignore the behavior, not the child,” she said as she reminded me that I should praise his positive behaviors.

I hate to think that my child thinks of me as a toy but I guess it is partly true. Sometimes he pinches me and I am so used to it, that I don’t even say “ouch.” So then, Spencer will even say it for me, “Ouch?” like .. “Hey, how come you are not saying ‘ouch,’ I love it when you say that.”

I think that I can achieve “ignoring” as a behavior modification method if I can remember that “ignoring” is active. That is what was told to me in my parent training program for ADHD preschoolers at NYU Medical Center. They said that I shouldn’t ignore activities that are harmful to him, to others or to property but rather ignore attention-seeking behaviors like whining, nagging, and tantrums. (Tantrums are the hardest because of the neighbors downstairs but I will have to try.)

TO READ THE FULL POST PLEASE GO TO http://canmombecalm.blogspot.com/2009/09/ignore-behavior-not-child.html

This post can be found at the Can Mom Be Calm Blog:

http://canmombecalm.blogspot.com/2009/10/kill-homework-monster.html

Before I was married, I didn’t believe I would be nothing other than a No-Shit Mom.

Okay, this is the second time I used an inappropriate word on my blog and so I apologize if anyone is offended but some words just say it all.

My kid was going to study, I told myself up until he was born. He would not be spoiled. And he would be able to speak at least three languages, one of them being Mandarin Chinese. (By the way, I am not Chinese American)

Even when you have typical children, I’m sure parents laugh at themselves when they compare their pre-baby goals to their actual goals after birth. Gosh, now my goals are not even anywhere close to him being multilingual! My goals are more like: Logan will stay in his seat for five minutes without being told to do so. Logan will make one non-school friend by the end of 2009. Of course, now I must share my personal goal which of course is: Jenn will no longer need anti-anxiety medication after 2010 and/or lose 20 pounds.

Anyway, this year Logan is in Big School and with that I am dragged into the world of Homework Hell. Ohmigosh, this No-Shit Mom is no match for the ADHD Homework Monster. The Homework Monster has daily ways to annoy you so much that in twenty minutes, you don’t care if your child wrote the letter “b” or “d.” Just get it done and go to sleep! Argh!

THE REST OF THE POST CAN BE READ AT: http://canmombecalm.blogspot.com/2009/10/kill-homework-monster.html

http://canmombecalm.blogspot.com

Jennifer Choi has two special needs kids. Her blog posts are written in a compelling manner that shares a tremendous amount of information and wisdom. Her writing is thoughtful, information, emotional yet not dominated by emotion, if you know what I mean. She is a really terrific resource! Check her out!

Jennifer Choi

About Me

Last year, while on maternity leave with my second baby, my oldest son, Logan, then 3, went from being very withdrawn in preschool to very aggressive and was about to be expelled! After getting him evaluated, I soon found myself quitting my job as a publicist and a few months later, I realized I had not one but two children with special needs with issues like hyperactivity, impulsivity, difficulty feeding, speech delays, some oppositional behavior and sensory processing disorder. I promised myself I would tackle this problem like the way I did my job. I would map out my plan and beat it down. I immersed myself in learning things like SPD, ADHD, and gluten/casein free diets. Last year, I checked myself in the emergency room with chest pains and difficulty breathing. It took awhile to figure it out but finally I was diagnosed: panic episodes. I wasn’t beating anything. It was beating me. Well, no more. I want to be happy. I want my kids to get better. I want my marriage to be strong. I know I can do this. I just have to be calm and take it one step at a time.

SAMPLE BLOG POST:

The original post can be found at http://canmombecalm.blogspot.com/2009/06/pr-backlash-of-supreme-court-victory.html

PR Backlash of the Supreme Court “Victory”

When I was in my twenties, I was very involved with my identity as a Korean American woman. It was a really big deal to me. I worked for a women’s organization that was run by Korean American women and for a couple of years, we set up conferences that discussed issues that affected us as Asians and as women.

In many ways, being an Asian American woman was a double blow. As Asians, we dealt with a plethora of stereotypes: complacent nerds, Harvard bound math geniuses, sleazy Chinatown gangsters, and perpetual foreigners despite being raised or even born in the U.S. (Do you know how many times I’ve been asked where I’m from and after I say “New York,” the person says, “No, where are you really from?”)

As Asian American women, our stereotype paints us as super-submissive rugs to step on and/or exotic sex kittens. We are marginalized by mainstream American society and we are also marginalized by our male Asian counterparts. There is a reason that you see so many Asian women married to non-Asian men. I know some men have fetishes for Asian women but there is another side to it. Some Asian women sometimes have a hard time dealing with the double standards of Asian men and so they naturally fall in love with men who are not unfair and selfish. (BTW, not all Asian American men are like this- many are really great to their wives.)

I bring this up today because I read something disturbing after doing the happy dance upon hearing the recent Supreme court ruling that says that parents can ask for tuition reimbursement for a private special education school even if they never had their child in a public special education setting. Jen Laviano, a special education lawyer wrote an insightful blog post lamenting how the evening news covered the story in a way that focused more on the costs implicated in the ruling. If you want to hear some dissenting lay opinions, read the comments on Sue Shellenbarger’s blog in the Wall Street Journal. Words like “retard,” “reform school,” “hood,” and “flipping burgers at McDonald’s” were used by commenters. It wasn’t pretty.

Any special needs parent knows that the cost spent now will mean a lot less spent later. It could also result in a great contribution to society. They also know that a child placed in an inappropriate educational setting will negatively impact the child’s classmates’ opportunity to learn as well. But here’s the problem: only the parents of special needs families know this. Possibly included in this circle are the teachers who teach these classes and parents of the special needs child’s classmates who are aware that the child is negatively impacting their own child’s education. If we are lucky, the teacher and the other parents will recognize the child has special needs. If we aren’t, the child and his parents will be painted with numerous assumptions which would be hurtful, not to mention counter-productive.
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