Unlocking the Essence of Your Child
One of the areas where I constantly struggle is helping our son find his areas of talents or what I like to call, his essence. Our children are like my husband and I. We are good at a lot of things but not outstanding at any one thing. We are good athletics, we enjoy music, we like books and politics, we enjoy giving back to the community and so forth. We are not the next Rembrandt, Tchaikovsky, Michael Jordan or Mother Teresa. Nothing is glaringly obvious.
Couple this with the fact that most of the time and effort with our son is currently focused on academics. He is absolutely exhausted when he comes home from school. He works hard, thank goodness, and cooperates with his teachers and, new this year, he actually LIKES school. I have so much to be thankful about. But some days when he gets home from school, he looks like he has been through a war.
We value play time and are mindful of balancing work with play time. But we have over an hour of homework each night and it is very difficult to fit everything in. He does play sports on Saturdays and seems to enjoy it but it is not clear to us that sports is his THING either.
Why do I worry about this so much? Our primary goal with our son with everything we are doing is to develop is self confidence and his self esteem. That is starting to develop academically because we are able to send him to a school when he can learn differently than the mainstream and be successful. I want him so much to experience success in something outside of school that he truly loves.
Getting him to try new things is not easy. He gets anxious and worried about new activities. Often when we start up a new sports season, he has trouble with the first few weeks of the activity – it is a transitioning issue.
Maybe this worry is more about me than him? I just want so badly for something to come easily to him that he truly truly loves … given that he has to work so hard in the other areas of his life.
So this blog post is not a Karen offering a suggestion blog post – it is one where I am reaching out to you for help. Do you have any suggestions or thoughts?
- How do we fit in the time for him to explore his interests?
- When is the right time to pursue drum lessons or karate or whatever else?
- Is maintaining a balance between play time and work time enough for laying the groundwork for future interests?
- Do I need to just chill out and believe that with self-confidence and academic “success”, he will figure it all out?
Would love to hear from you regarding how you enable the “essence” of your child to shine through all of the struggles!!!
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December 9th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
First, I think your thoughts, concerns and worries are totally normal for any parent! It is a constant balance to know how to help our kids without adding stress. My only great advice is to remember to give credit to the small things. Often those are the most important and the ones we miss because we’re looking for something bigger or easier to see. My daughter has a gift for including people. It’s not as tangible as playing an instrument, etc. but it’s absolutely an amazing gift and talent. My goal is to help her develop it by recognizing, praising and providing opportunities for her to develop it. Little shifts at the hinge have great impact on the wake of the confidence gate’s swing.
Hugs,
Holly
December 9th, 2009 at 7:16 pm
Discovering talents is a difficult thing. It’s easy if you have a Rembrandt or a Michael Jordan. But what do you do when a child’s talents aren’t so obvious. I think Holly hit the nail on the head in her comment above. It’s about nurturing the little things your child is good at, especially with ADHD in their lives making so many difficulties so obvious. My son is good with legos. Is he building a life-sized Sponge Bob like the Lego’s staff? No. But he is constantly building, taking apart, and recreating. It is a task that is enjoyable to him, not something full of frustration.
I too am on a mission to “discover my ADHD son’s talents.” In jan. we are going to try martial arts and again try swimming and a weekly art class. And I am constantly looking for other opportunities of things to try. If they don’t work out, we move on. If they do, we may be onto something.
My son’s therapist put this task into perspective recently too. My son is good at math. She says, “he isn’t going to be an accountant sitting at a desk all day and crunching numbers and writing reports. You have to accept those sorts of limitations early on. But being a high school math teacher would give him the ability to use his math apptitude and still give him a flexible, moving environment where he is most comfortable.” Yes, imagine having had a HS math teacher that was enthusiastic and full of energy. Math could be fun for everyone.
It’s about one day at a time and being tuned into what your child enjoys and where they can potentially use and share their talents.
I have learned to not stress about academics either. I have accepted that ADHD is going to keep my gifted intelligence child from receiving straight A’s and I am okay with that. Finding a comfortable, happy place for him in the future is key.
Penny
http://adhdmomma.blogspot.com
p.s. — I am so sorry I have not been on your site reading more and leaving comments. I have taken on far too many things without enough time to accomplish it all.
December 10th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
I was recently asking my co-contributor, Catherine Follett, a counselor for parents of ADHD kids (and a parent of ADHD kids herself), about building my 9 year old’s self confidence. He’s going through a new phase of seeming nervous when communicating with adults, is too timid to raise his hand in class and seems to be less engaged with his classroom friends than previously. This will be an ongoing conversation, but two suggestions hit home with me.
First, I am now planning activities with him that he loves and I enjoy (I leave his 3 year sister at home with Dad). For example, rollerblading is one activity he is really good at. We go to the skating rink and he skates circles around 95% of the kids (and adults!). It gets me out of the “parent role”, we have a blast together, and he feels good about himself! Win/Win! The second suggestion, more abstract, is to help him feel seen. I look him in the eyes and say positive, loving statements. Also, I surprised him by showing up at school to eat lunch with him last week. I told him I missed him and wanted to hang out for a bit. He felt great, we were connected, and again, I believe his sense of self was elevated.
Like your son, my boy gets anxious over trying new activities. Last year I was adamant that he take a martial arts class. He cried and refused to join in (I was so bummed!). I don’t push him into situations that cause him anxiety anymore. I trust that as his confidence builds, he’ll let it be known that he is ready to make a stretch and try something new. I hope that helps!!
December 14th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Dear Holly, Penny and Helen,
Thank you so much for your comments! You have certainly given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate your input!
Karen