Do You Embrace Your Feelings? (Our ADHD Journey Segment 4, ADHD, Self Care, Personal Stories)
The recent diagnosis of ADD (ADHD inattentive) for our son has resulted in a major framework shift or me. Learning that he has a lifelong disability that will make life more difficult than it already is causes waves of sadness to come over me. I realize that in order to move on from these feelings, I need to face them and embrace them and then let them go.
Learning Issues, ADD and Grief
So I call my little peanut, my little onion as well because we just keep peeling back the layers to understand more. As you know, we recently got a diagnosis of ADHD (inattentive) for our son. This, I recently realized, has been a dramatic framework shift for me. Let me explain.
Because he is young, we have been working on and with his learning issues and trying to figure out which issues are based on learning differences and which are based on immaturity. The learning needs school that he has been attending is a transition school. This means that they work with the child to discover their strengths and to establish methodologies and frameworks that work to help the child address their learning weaknesses. They also teach the child to advocate for themselves and their learning needs. When the child has a strong learning toolset and the understanding and mindset to be their own learning advocate, the goal is to transition them back to a mainstream school.
So with my logical, rational mind, we have focused on teaching our son the various tools that he needs to address his learning weaknesses. Great. Got it. That I can deal with. Homework has been and continues to be a real struggle but I have found ways to be creative in order to, hopefully, keep him engaged.
Now with this diagnosis of ADD and the realization that this is a lifelong impairment …. Well I have waves of sadness that just come over me. Now the rational, logical side of me knows that there are situations that are much much worse … a life threatening health condition, for instance. But to know that my child will have to struggle with this for a lifetime and that this impairment often has such a huge impact on the individual’s emotional well being … makes me very sad.
So I just realized that even though my focus is on do-do-do.
1. We have him trying a new school for the summer;
2. We have an appointment with the Children’s Hospital of Pennsylvania to confirm the diagnosis;
3. I have found an ADHD therapist to work with;
4. I met with an integrative/holistic expert to explore diet, natural supplements and vitamins;
5. and I am reading, reading, reading ..
I need to slow down to let myself feel. I need to feel sad and I need to grieve and I need to let myself cry.
I need to let myself cry for the fact that my child has differences that require special help in order to live in this world. To grieve for the fact that often life is hard and, for him, its going to be a little bit harder. So my hope is that when I finally give into the sadness and the crying, that I will be able to embrace the sadness and then let it go.
What about you? Are you embracing your feelings or are you going through the motion while emotionally numb? I am not going to let that happen to me … please don’t let that happen to you. So here is to embracing and releasing.
Thanks for watching and until next time.
Karen
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July 15th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Karen, great post. There is definitely an adjustment period for just having the knowledge that your child has ADHD and that they will always struggle with how different they are from what society expects of them. I went through a grieving period too when my son was diagnosed. I only let it get to me for a week or so before I reminded myself that feeling sorry for him wouldn’t help him one bit. I then threw myself into reading and educating and working on getting him an IEP or 504 Plan in school. We are finally at a point where we are kind of coasting along and now I find myself questioning our choice to medicate. It’s our motherly instinct and overwhelming love for our children that prevents us from true acceptance and letting go. Our goal for our children is perfection and that’s just not possible. But the realization that perfection isn’t possible isn’t going to prevent us from going full-steam ahead to that end. I do find conscious moments of gratitude that it’s only ADHD and not cancer or something terminal help to keep me more realistic in my expectations of myself.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Penny,
Thank you so much for your feedback! I think my cycle was a little opposite of yours in that I did action first and am just now stepping back to address my feelings. I personally feel that facing and embracing my emotions is the only way that I can put them behind me. And, yes, I am extremely thankful that it is not something like cancer!
Thank you for all of the great information on your blog!!
Karen
August 2nd, 2009 at 1:05 am
Hi Karen,
Thank you for this post. Parting with some of the lofty goals we may have had for our children is part of the process. I like your proactive approach.
A few things, as far as a therapist, you want a PLAY THERAPIST. Because your son has ADHD, the talking kind of therapy will only bore him. He will learn FASTER with play therapy.
As far as school, he will progress much faster in school when he has learned the basic school skills of good sitting, eye contact, taking turns, etc.
When he has learned these basic skills, he will be CAPABLE of coping with the typical classroom setting.
Skills first, THEN school success.
Before he can advocate for himself entirely, he will need more advanced social skills. It’s up to you to teach those and you absolutely can when you know how to attract and hold his attention so he can learn from you.
That’s a set of skills you can develop easily with a little guidance.
I LOVE to see parents take an ACTIVE role in their children’s training as you are.
Your son is very lucky to have your loving attention and guidance.
Thank you for helping other parents by sharing your personal experience.
Sincerely yours in parenting success,
Debra Sale Wendler
http://www.adhdparentingsuccess.com
August 3rd, 2009 at 10:09 am
Dear Debra,
Thank you so much for your response. I am going to look into a play therapist and learn more. Funny enough, a friend of mine just recommended one she had used for her son.
I have started using your 6 second rule of talking with my son — it seems to be working. I have really gleaned many insights from your twitter posts and emails.
Thank you for sharing your insights from all of your years of hard earned wisdom!
Best,
Karen