A Good Enough Daughter
http://www.silverplanet.com/blog/good-enough-daughter

As a professional in the field of aging, Sara had seen it all—until her own mother broke her hip at the age of 88 and became profoundly confused, unable to live in her own home. Join Sara on her journey through the strangeness that is dementia while trying to make sense of it all and finding humor in the details.

The original post can be found at http://www.silverplanet.com/blog/good-enough-daughter/i-can-t-make-everything-okay/5611

I Can’t Make Everything Okay
By Sara Myers

I am 57 years old and have sons aged 20 and 15. When I was pregnant, I read a few books about my pending new parent status, and a friend gave me a copy of A Good Enough Parent by Bruno Bettelheim, an Austrian psychologist famous for working with autistic kids. I’m pretty sure I actually read the whole book, but the title and the premise certainly stuck with me. Bruno said good parenting is knowing who you are, understanding your own childhood, and doing your best to be a good parent. He said that was sufficient.

When my 89-year-old mother took a series of falls about a year ago while living in Phoenix, it was my job as the only daughter and “professional in aging” to fly down and do whatever was necessary to make everything right. My mother lived in Phoenix for over 60 years, and she wasn’t about to move or to accept help. So I visited with doctors and talked to friends and neighbors. I brought in the home care workers (against protest), “equity loaned” the house, and fixed and fixed and fixed. I did whatever I could do to make the situation safe while complying with my mother’s adamantly held decision to never leave her home.

Four falls, 4 hospitalizations, and 30,000 frequent flyers miles later, I made the decision: mom had to move near me. Thank God for Jo and Kathy. We all flew to Bainbridge from Phoenix and taxied directly to the local rehabilitation center. I thought it would be less stressful to have mom near me. Not exactly. I made daily visits, conducted chart reviews, talked with staff, and reported to my brothers and to my mother’s hundred friends, all while working and trying to pay some attention to my family.

Realization: I Can’t Make the Situation Perfect

I quickly became slightly insane. My dear husband sat me down and suggested that my recent weight gain was related to caregiving stress and that I should consider something, anything. Soon after, I realized that something had to give and it was not going to be my health or sanity. I had to give up the idea that I could make it all right, that I could make my mother feel good about leaving Phoenix, that I could magically make her walk independently again. I decided that all I could do was be a good enough daughter—not perfect, but good enough.

This and other personal stories can be found at http://www.silverplanet.com/blog/good-enough-daughter.

The Good Enough Daughter Blog
Sara Myers

Sara Myers has over 30 years’ experience as a professional in the field of aging. She is the managing director for the National Adult Day Services Association and founding director of the Washington Adult Day Services Association. She has worked with older adults and their families in a variety of health care settings, helping them find their paths to successful aging and caregiving. She has served on a number of national boards and committees and is a recognized leader in community-based long-term care.

In 2007, while living on Bainbridge Island with her husband and two sons, Sara took on a new role as caregiver for her 89-year-old mother. A Good Enough Daughter reflects that personal experience and recognizes that millions of people in the U.S. share the same life situation.