Sherry is a young women that is recovering from being a heroin addict. For many years, she lived on the streets and did whatever it took in order to feed her addiction. In 20 very personal episodes, Sherry shares her journey with the hope of helping others. These videos were made by www.hopeshow.tv.

Episode 1

My personal mission is to give hope to all affected by the disease of addiction. I also want to encourage others to avoid judgments made upon our types. In this episode, I mention passing by people like me on the street and looking away. I even had to break this reaction to others in myself after I got sober. I forgot that I was one of those people at one time. (I also never considered that not all homeless people are a result of drug addiction. A lot of our homeless population are mentally ill and disabled veterans – people with no family and no choices.) But, people like me CAN recover!I am taking great risks so that you can see this. Let me know what you think about this journey.I would love to hear from you all personally.

Episode 2

What about the family of the addict? What do they really go through when living with someone like myself? When I was out there I never called home to check in. I pretty much dropped off the face of the earth for months at a time. The pain of hearing her voice was too much to bear. When my mom found about this video, she volunteered to talk. This was amazing to me since I can not get my mother in front of a camera for anything. But, the words she wrote crushed my heart. I have no way of knowing what my family must have felt like to have a daughter like me. In a way, I don’t want to know what that must be like. If I felt pain, I numbed it out. But, they went through torture…sober! This video makes me tear up every time. But, it is bitter-sweet. My mother was able to tell you what she did to get through this. If you have a family member like me, you have to hear what she says. The common mistake is to think that we can be fixed. Unfortunately, this disease does not work like that. This is the only illness, that I know of, that requires the afflicted to WANT to get better from their innermost self. There is no magic pill!!!! Lord knows, if my mom could have saved me, she would have done so a long time ago.

Episode 3

An addict’s exposure to HIV is enormous. I continue to be shocked at the lack of knowledge about this issue. I was living with and injecting drugs around people who carried this virus. I have known people of healthy body weight and complexions that have this disease. Yet when proposing the use of a condom, I’ve heard the line, “Well, you look like you’re ok.” No one has any idea just by looking at someone if they have an STD. The bottom line is if you have ever had unprotected sex, you are at risk. You can also become infected with HIV through performing or receiving oral sex. Another misconception I talk about in this video is getting tested vicariously through another person. Just because my boyfriend/partner gets tested and comes out clean doesn’t mean I am safe. AIDS can go undetected for years. Just a thought: Get tested! At least you will know…

Episode 4

One out of ten people who drink will become addicts. It crosses all barriers of race, gender, sexual preference, and financial status. I grew up in a typical family. I was raised in church and told that I could be whatever I wanted to be. Sure, my parents divorced when I was very young. Also, my family is no stranger to the grips of mental illness. However, none of those things made me an addict or made me more susceptible to the physical allergy of alcoholism/addiction. My parents taught me very early on the value of activities like sports, art, and literature. So, what happened? This is another example of the cunning and baffling nature of drugs. I consider it and all addictions a spiritual malady. This video is also a love letter to my parents. I talked with a lady yesterday, a mom, who explained to me that no matter what the parents always blame themselves. Imagine having a daughter like me out on the street and you are completely powerless over that. I do not know what that is like, considering I have no children. I would hate to find out. But, they must know that this has nothing to do with them.

Episode 5

Alcohol Worked “If it wasn’t fun at first, I wouldn’t have kept doing it,” I once heard a young recovered alcoholic say, and it rang so true for me. Partying was an exhilarating escape. I loved it! I remember the teenage years as a time when I cared more about what my friends thought than about my own family. I would do anything to feel accepted. Alcohol worked! All of a sudden, I was fun, I was pretty, I belonged. The only thing was, I relied on the alcohol to make me be someone…someone that I was all along already.

Episode 6

Drugs were not my problem. What do I mean by that? It seems reasonable to say that I had a problem with drugs. But, someone very early on explained to me the difference here. There are those people that experiment with drugs that I refer to as the “hard users.” Given a good reason, these people can stop and stay stopped if they want. These people baffled me! With consequences such as failed health, family problems, or even jail, they will be able to muster up the will power to quit. They may even start back again and stop. They appear functional because they never let it get in the way of their so called life. Whenever they quit, life gets better… But, what about the real addict? I was given every reason in the world to stop very early on. I was stealing wine from work and got fired from my very 1st job. I was skipping school and doing cocaine in the bathroom in between classes. It was destroying my friendships and family relationships. It was no longer a social thing since I escaped into isolation. I no longer had fun with others unless I was high. Then came the guilt and shame for hiding all the time. I was so scared of being exposed and that everyone was going to find out how bad I was. Drugs were not my problem because when I could stop, my life did not get better. It got worse! I was irritable, restless, and discontent without them. I was void of energy. I was constantly worried about what other people thought of me. If I suffered these kinds of consequences, instead of attributing them to the drugs, my reaction was to use more…When dry, the hole inside me grew so big my only solution was to reach for the dope to fix me. The first hit always gave me a sense of relief. Therefore, it had become my solution. I could stop…. but, I could not stop starting!

Episode 7

In this video, I talk about an incident that happened at an early age. A friend almost died due to drugs and alcohol. Instead of viewing the event as a warning sign, I saw it as an inconvenience. I was not a good friend to say the least. I was only concerned with my personal goings on and how I could get more. A true friend would not enable someone by watching him or herself almost kill themselves. The first time a friend of this type actually spoke up to me, I was in shock. She told me that she could no longer watch me hurt myself. I will always remember that… Later on I found out that a guy I hung out with in this same club crowd as a teen, had taken his own life. He had been on the run from prison charges for quite some time. When, the police finally caught him, with gun in hand, he ended it. He could not or would not do something different.

Episode 8

I found this kitten in the midst of a heroin high at a friend’s house. I decided to bring her to my mom’s house and dump her. This is just one example of many behaviors of inconsideration and not thinking things through. I was never able to take care of Luna, whom I named her after the moon because of her white coat. I talk about how Luna as a scavenger of all things. She loves to hunt different types of animals. She still carries an instinct of survival. She will bring these items home and dump them on my Mom just like I did with her. Only her motives are pure… When I was out looking for various places to get high such as laundry rooms, portable facilities, and railroad tracks, I too was in a survival mode. My world had become reduced to something so small. The only thing to think of was getting high and where. I even chose places close by my Mother’s house because they were convenient. But, I would always panic at the thought of actually seeing her. Fear of being exposed, fear of shame, fear of everything…. That was the world I lived in for so long. It was not really living at all, but, it was all I knew back then.

Episode 9

I’m taking you into the darkest part of my story. This is where the drugs had complete power over me. After crossing moral boundaries and making empty promises of, “I’ll never do that.” I ended up doing all of those things. I remember a time when I would steal for drugs. There was a girl I ran into on the street that was obviously supporting her habit. When I asked her how she did it, she told me about prostitution. She talked about it so flippantly as if it was no big deal. I thought to myself, “I’ll never do that!” Sure enough, once faced with the idea of going to prison for one more theft charge, it sounded like an option. It became easier and easier. But, every time I gave myself a way for another hit, a little piece of my soul went with it….

Episode 10

This video shows the events in my daily life out there living on the street. I was “homeless” so I would find someone to live off. I stayed in hospital waiting rooms for a period of 3 months. Then, I found various people that would let me move in with them. In the dope world, as long as you are feeding someone dope it is considered a form of “rent.” Once I would aid in the eviction of someone, I would be resigned to move into a vacant property. Of course, with this type of “living” comes fear, the fear of being kicked out and discovered at any moment. I think there was some sort of sick satisfaction in existing that way. My mentor told me that one day I would look back at that girl and not even recognize her. She was right. Today, it just seems like the memory of that girl was implanted in mine. The reason is that I can not even fathom living that way today. It is so insane!!! She also told me that if I went back out, that I would not recognize the woman that I had become. She was right about that too. I went back out to live this way again. Over time, all of the promises and results I had received from spiritual living had dissolved. I could not imagine living that way again. But, it did happen… Being homeless is the best that I can do on my own free will. When I found a Power to align my will with the best that I could, my life took on a new meaning. My mentor told me that the longer I stayed on this side…. the more foreign that other way of life would become. She said that one day I would look back at that girl and not even recognize her. She was so right.I feel that I have been restored to health and sanity these past years, not through my own efforts nor as a result of anything I may have done, but because I’ve come to believe — to really believe — that I alone can do nothing.–Anonymous

Episode 11

“I vow that it is goodbye to the old ways. Those stories were a good read. They were dumb as well I could never be seen Falling down on my knees crawling O no, talk about a sell” ~The Sundays I have so many stories of tragic and seemingly silly events. I’m not afraid to share these if someone else can relate. Maybe they will make you amused, sad, or disgusted. In this video I share one particular police incident. If I was ever under the threat of arrest, I would do just about anything to get out of it. Jail is not a fun place. Some of these things make me laugh today. The irony of playing crazy to get out of going to jail, when I was already completely insane baffles me. With crack cocaine comes all sorts of bizarre, delusional behavior. The very drug that I reached out for to create a sense of ease and comfort actually made me quite paranoid. I manifested schizophrenic-like behaviors like seeing things and hearing voices. I could at times be stuck in a port-o-potty or public restroom for hours. There is a complete absence of time in that reality, for there is no real reality at all. Oh, the hours I squandered that could have been worthwhile. What more is all of this than doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. This is the commonly accepted definition of insanity. I used to shudder at these memories. Today, I am overwhelmed with joy that I was restored to sanity. These behaviors are a good read but, dumb as well….

Episode 12

This video is the turning point of my story. Thus far I have showed you the progression of addiction in my life. It started with sipping wine as a teenager. After years of continuous usage, I looked around at a world surrounded by chaos. Little did I know that it was completely self created.

Gangs, death, AIDS, staph infections, are all common occurrences on the street. Everyone witnessing these things on a daily basis gets numb to it. I talk about a girl in this video that died from endocarditis, an inflammation of the inner layer of the heart. It is very common in those who inject intravenous narcotics. Immediately after her death, I remember a group of us sitting around doing the only thing we knew how to do in a moment such as this. We were trying to get more dope….

I was finally arrested on the day I like to call my saving grace day. Let me backtrack and explain a little bit. Now on the street, $40 was the magic number. If I could hustle up about this much, then I could get some heroin, some cocaine, a pack of cigarettes, and a beer. I was good to go for a little while.

While in jail, I went though some tremendous heroin withdrawals without any medical help. I called my brother and asked him to send me $5 so that I could buy some aspirin off of the commissary. It was the only thing that I could think of that might ease a little pain. A couple of days later, I went to court and they said that I would be released. When I got upstairs, I had a money slip for $40 from my brother.

Next thing you know it, I was being released with $40 in my pocket. When I walked into the piercing sunlight, I literally felt as if the crossroads had stretched before me. My whole body screamed in pain when I walked across the street towards the bus stop. I knew the only thing at that very moment that would relieve it. All I had to do was hop on the bus and I could be there in less than 15 minutes. I could imagine my pain, my nauseousness, and most importantly my mental torture all dissolving after the 1st hit.

But, something happened, which I like to think was a divine intervention. The next thought said: O.k. If you go get that hit, you WILL feel better. But, after about an hour or so, then what will you do?

The next thought (the sane one) said: Just keep walking… Don’t think! Don’t think!

I got across the street and called a trusted friend. I knew what I would have to do if I wanted this cycle to stop. I needed help because I had a mind that was trying to kill me.

The first few months of sobriety was spent saying…Don’t think! Don’t think! I knew it my mind would try to convince me to use again if I didn’t change everything. I had to get into action!

Episode 13

When I first got out of jail, I suffered from withdrawals for about a month later. Since I was severely malnourished, it took a while to get my physical symptoms under control. My sleep pattern was disturbed and my energy level was nil. I had been reminded over and over about the physical nature of addiction. I was told that I would go through periods where my body would release these chemicals and just knowing that helped. It made sense that I had been altering my brain chemistry for so many years, that it wasn’t going to go back to normal in a day.

But, I was also reminded that once the spiritual malady is overcome, that I would straighten out mentally and physically. I held to that. I hoped that things would get better. But, hope alone does not change things. I had to make a decision. I decided to turn my thoughts and actions over to a new way of thinking and living. I could not do this alone. I had help along the way…

Episode 14

Everything successful needs help. I believe everyone can benefit from a mentor in their life. For the longest time, I took advice from those who were equally as screwed up as I was. Needless to say, the results were nil. In fact, I would seek others who would tell me what I wanted to hear. We call this the easier and softer way. If I wanted to know how to run a successful business, I would get the advice of an accomplished person in this area. When faced with the dilemma of addiction, I had to take the same approach. This was not about knowledge. A doctor could not relate to what I had been through. Even seeking help from a psychiatrist proved to be of no avail. Since my symptom was primarily drugs over alcohol, I needed to find a recovered addict. I tried to go through the process with a few whose primary symptom was alcohol and it proved to be insufficient. Somehow, in these instances, I ended up feeling even more sorry for myself and misunderstood. After all, the spiritual malady is feeling different and apart from others. Therefore, I sought out the counsel of someone who had overcome addiction. The second requirement was that they were recovered from the hopeless state of mind and body. Did I want what this person had? If their life was still dysfunctional, then I was sure to achieve the same results. After all, we can not transmit something that we do not have. I was also told to look into the eyes. They are the windows of the soul. If they had a light that danced intensely, than it was clear proof of joy. Once I found this person, I was willing to do what they said based on the evidence that I could see in their life. These are facts of my own experience.

Episode 15

They say that the truth will set you free. After I admitted to God and to another person the exact nature of my defects, my life has never been the same. Even after repeated attempts and going back out to the street, I still could not escape the truth. I knew what was going to happen when I went back out. I knew that I would pick right back up from where I left off. I knew that some moral boundaries that I had already crossed would be crossed again even further. I could not fool myself into thinking that I was going to come up this time. I had to commit completely if I was ever going to live and be free. And I could only do that with God’s help. There was no other way around it.

I found out about the manifestation of Self. Self is what some people call Ego. I found out that Self manifested into five basic defects of character: selfishness, dishonesty, inconsideration, self-seeking and fear. All other defects could be broken back down into any of these five. For instance, procrastination was just another form of selfishness. It is just me doing what I want to do.

And of course, there was always my favorite line. Who cares? This was just an excuse to do what I wanted to do. Above all, it was the most dishonest line of all. After so many months of using drugs, I would always hit a spiritual bottom and then I would care.

When I asked God to remove these defects from me they did not poof, disappear. At first they will be revealed. Then, it is up to me to take the action.

God will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves…. but … He will not do what we can.

Episode 16

I will never forget the time when I was arrested for possession. It was only my 2nd time in jail and it still seemed like some kind of mistake. I remember chanting over and over again to the cops, “I’m only hurting myself…” You see, I was so full of Self, that I was unable to see the pain that I was causing others around me. When my friend Clayton died, this reality hit me hard. I saw the effect that a loved one has on the friends and family. We all loved him so much. It did not matter how he died. That would not change the way we felt about him. How could someone pass that had been a much better person than me? Clayton had given much of his time to working with other addicts. He was an example to me on how we should live this deal. Yet, when he choose to drink again, the drugs followed. Soon after, he was gone. My mentor explained to me that some die for others to live. I told her that I thought that explanation was crap! It did not bring my friend back. I was supposed to be the one who died. Then she said, “Oh, YOU know better than God!?!” She reminded me of how Clayton dedicated a lot of his time to helping others. She said that I could right my wrongs with him by carrying this message to others in his memory. I also think of him whenever I hear a poem. Clayton wrote beautiful poetry as an expressive outlet. When he was alive, I could not see what it meant to him. But, now I cling to the Power of Art that he exposed me to. He is not forgotten….

Episode 17

So due to continual drug usage, I had been a sleepwalking dead person for years. Having a spiritual awakening, basically, meant that my spirit had awoken. I started noticing the beauty of life around me as if I was truly seeing it for the first time. Even as a child, I do not recall having this kind of experience.

In the past, my head never stopped chattering. But, since all of the things that had blocked me off from the Sunlight of the Spirit had been cast out, all of a sudden life took on a new meaning. I could see the birds for the first time. When my friend introduced me to photography, it intensified this supernatural feeling. I truly found the magic unraveled in the speed of light. After all, photography is simply capturing Light and Light is Spirit.

This is just one example of how Spirit can manifest. I even found a new poetry in Music and in Words. I believe that God created us to create in whatever form that may be. I encourage you to find something that brings you closer to your true Spirit.

Episode 18

The first thing I wanted to do every time I sobered up was get a job. Time and time again I would rush out to get employment and then go back out shortly thereafter. I proved to myself time and time again that money would not solve all of my problems. As I’ve mentioned before, until the spiritual malady is overcome, we can not straighten out any other way. I, personally, had to find employment that would work around my recovery. Recovery had to come first.

Also, I did not have the best track record for job keeping. On a piece of paper I appear to be a big risk for an employer, with good reason. Who wants to hire a convicted felon and thief? This is where I learned to rely upon God to meet my needs. My mentor kept saying, He knows you need a job…. Even though, my 1st attempt back into the real world was not my dream job, it was a job nonetheless. I learned the true meaning of humility.

Even today, I have still faced these kinds of challenges. I was recently denied to live at an apartment complex based upon my criminal history. It does not matter that I’ve completely turned my life around. I am considered a liability to the property owners. This is just another phase of my learning to rely upon God. Maybe one day we will have a world that judges others by their honesty and perseverance. But, until then, I have to keep on trudging.

Episode 19

Without the numbing escape of drugs, I stood face to face reality. To say that I had allowed my problems to pile up, was an understatement. I had a knack for creating numerous legal problems. This is where I found out about fear. I was told that fear was simply being afraid of not doing the next right thing. Whatever the situation might be, if I did my part, God had the outcome. However, running away would only make things worse. I had to suck it up and face the wreckage of my past. Having written a bunch of hot checks during a spree, I went in front of countless store managers, court clerks, and judges admitting my wrong and asking how it could be corrected. Every time I was asked to wait, my heart would drop into my stomach. I just knew that I would be arrested…. But, that didn’t happen. In fact, one clerk nearly fell out of her chair when I told her that I wrote all of the checks on a drug binge. She was shocked because in her career, she had never had anyone admit their wrong in a theft by check case. Walking through all of that made me stronger. I had discovered what humility and fearlessness really meant. I had started to rely upon God rather than my own will. I was given a prayer that I continue to say today, even when I can not figure out what it is that I’m afraid of: God, remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be.

Episode 20

Sherry goes to the dentist …. another thing to address from her past neglect of herself.